from Monday, May 21, 2007

Stuff for sale

I was perusing the local papers the other morning, things for sale, browsing the Older Trucks list ... there were only two pick-ups. There was nothing to do but read on.

I inadvertently came onto Services for Sale, um ... er... Adult Services, and pictures of women offering wares, perhaps I should say bewares.

Here you can get massages, body rubs, domination, coddling, escorts and perhaps anything that your particular fetish lusts for. One girl at 'Versace' had clamshells over her breasts, but it didn't say if she had a lunch bar selling chowder. One wonders about the flavour. Chantal offers exotic, erotic NEW 40DDDs. Did the old 40DDDs wear out? Did she upgrade from version 39DDDs? Another shouts Hot HOTT GFE. Ok sorry, but I never did find out what GFE is, or what the FS is that she does also. There's DATY and SOG too. My sicko little mind tried hundreds of combinations but to no avail, the best I came up with was Saggy Old Grandmother.

At least Hooter Haven is clear, and everything is so, er ... round there. I see some of the older ladies are regenerating their careers by applying the Cougar idea. Cougar Country she says, with a pic like Mrs. Robinson's legs. Maybe. Bear Country scares the hell out of me! Apple Pie caught my eye and was 36DD, but all I could think of as how many apples it took to make a pair of pies that big? One was Royal Lavender Massage, but I don't want to smell like my Grandma. Maybe if it was thyme or basil. I think Sophia Loren might smell like oregano.

1994 U.S. President Bill Clinton fired U.S. Surgeon General Joycelyn Elders for reportedly suggesting that masturbation be taught in schools.

Of course Bill knew of a better way to ease one's tensions.

from Tuesday, December 19, 2006

Miss America - The f@$&%# up state of pageants

Miss America tested positive for cocaine. She has been carousing in New York City's bars and drinking martinis before she turned 21. She was caught doing a glue-faced tongue kiss in public with Miss Teen America, the other All-American party girl. Miss Teen America is a spokesperson for MADD!

Donald Trump is the co-owner of the Miss America pageant. Mr. Trump went into a meeting with the perfectly spherical-breasted Ms. Conner this morning expecting to terminate her reign as Miss USA.
But he said the meeting showed him someone with “a good heart” who had been caught up in the “whirlwind” of New York.
Evidently he couldn't say, "Miss America, you're fired!"  No truth to the rumor that she will go for Miss Earth Globe.

The Donald's hair was not mussed.

Monica Lewinski or Bill Clinton couldn't be reached for comment.

from Saturday, April 22, 2006

Let's play doctor

A 76 year old man in Florida, was charged with sexual assault after going door to door, posing as a doctor giving free breast examinations. He examined at least two women's breasts after they allowed him into their homes to accept the offer. Phillip Winikoff even carried a black doctor's bag and was found out when one woman allowed a genital inspection, but Phillip, in his excitement, forgot to don rubber gloves. His real occupation is a shuttle driver for a car dealership.

One can almost see the upcoming trial . . .

Mr. Winikoff is on the witness stand.

Prosecutor: Judge, and Jury. This white haired old man perpetrated a heinous criminal act of fraud on women in their early 30s; sexual assault, false pretenses, impersonation, performing a free service without qualifications, and everyone in America knows they don't do doctor stuff for free, furthermore and wheretoever, he caused embarrassment to other women who will not come forward. And lastly, he caused many policemen to sideline their other cases while they assessed the victims themselves for first hand, um, evidence ... so to speak. I rest my case.

Defense Councel:       Doctor Winikoff, would you have ...
Prosecutor:                  Objection your Honor, he is not a real doctor!
Defense Councel:      Sir, did you offer free breast examinations door to door?
Prosecutor:                  Objection to Defense Council's giggling, your Honor.
Winikoff:                       Yes sir, I did.
Defense Councel:      And some ladies allowed you into their homes for this ... ah, service?
Prosecutor:                  Objection on service! This terrible criminal only wanted to "service" the women. And they were FAKE breast exams.
Defense Councel:      Doctor Win ... er Mr. Winikoff, and then you actually DID do a breast examination, correct?
Prosecutor:                 Objection ...
Winikoff:                       Correct Sir. I did a thorough examination, nothing fake about it.
Prosecutor:                 ... counsel is laughing again!
Defense Councel:     Thank you, Doctor Winikoff, and can you tell us how you did it?
Winikoff:                       I caressed ... er ... fondled ... um, examined them all with gentle care, Sir. I even listened to the heartbeat with my nice warm ear.
Defense Councel:      And why did you choose this community service for young women?
Winikoff:                      When was the last time you tried to get a doctor to actually come to your home? And those mammary gram machine things hurt like hell.
Defense Councel:      And they're all run by Nurse Ratchet!
Prosecutor:                 Objection. Community service? His intent was strictly sexual, your Honor!
Defense Councel:     That is speculation and conjecture, my learned friend ... Doctor Winikoff, Sir, were any Viagra pills found in your little doctor's bag?
Winikoff:                      There was nothing in my bag except my lunch. When you're 76 years old it gets kinda heavy to carry around. And my stomach ....
Prosecutor:                 It was the rubber gloves did him in, your Honor, he didn't have any.
Defense Councel:     Sir, did these women invite you into their homes voluntarily and remove their clothing of their own accord?
Prosecutor:                 Objection! They thought he was a doctor.
Defense Councel:      He kind of looks like a nice old doctor, though, doesn't he?
Prosecutor:                 He's a dirty old man!
Defense Councel:     Doctor Winikoff, had you found a lump or anything would you have recommended the woman see another doctor for more tests?
Winikoff:                      I always believe in second opinions, Sir, as a matter of fact my friend Harry, the wash guy down at the car dealership ...
Prosecutor:                 Oh my gawd!
Defense Councel:     We rest too, your Honor. No harm no foul.
Prosecutor:                Objection to your Honor's giggling, your Honor.

from Thursday, February 03, 2005

One law for you - one law for the rich. (2)

from Friday, January 21, 2005

Bob Dylan film without Dylan

Martin Scorsese is making a film about Bob Dylan. However, he hasn't consulted Bob Dylan about it. He said he wants to present his own vision of Bob Dylan's life. What? Doesn't want to talk to Bob Dylan? I used to like Scorsese, now I think he might be a jerk. How do you do that? Someone has to write the film. When you write a picture you take an opinion, a point-of-view, you present a biased view. Always. And documentaries go for the truth. Or do they? Doesn't this go in the unauthorized biography catagory of National Enquirer?
Does it sorta go like this - - - ?

Writer:      "Hey Marty, should we at least give Dylan a call?"
Marty:      "I'm trying to make as honest a film as possible without unnecessary restrictions."
Writer:      "Yeah, actually talking to the guy might screw up everything."
Marty:      "I'm creating a story."
Writer:      "Okay ... Hey Marty, what say we have Dylan say this ...'War is good for you.' "
Marty:      "Sure, that sounds like what I'd like him to say."
Writer:      "Marty, do you see Dylan as Republican or a Democrat?"
Marty:      "Let's make him a Republican, we'll get him to sing for Nixon and both Bushes. Stir it up a bit."
Writer:     "Hey Marty, uhm ... maybe he doesn't write, Times They Are a Changin', maybe he writes Moon 
                 River instead."
Marty:      (Thinking almost a full 3 seconds) "Sure, my vision is he'd do that."
Writer:      "Marty, you're a wonderful guy, who's gonna play Dylan?"
Marty:      "Will Smith."
Writer:      (cough) "Er, Will Smith?"
Marty:      "Sure, Denzel played the Sinatra role in Manchurian. It's MY vision of Dylan."
Writer:      "Ok, Marty."   .............Uh, Marty?
Marty.       "Yeah?"
Writer.      "What was that you said about Lassie and the tambourine?"

from Saturday, March 19, 2005

Cool BC Parks of the future

NEWS ITEM: Leaked secret documents show Gordon Campbell's Liberals to allow major expansion of private lodges in BC Provincial Parks.

A family arrives at a BC Provincial park for camping ...

BOY:        Wow Dad, look at that, a big pink building!
MOM:      What IS that, Hon'? This was all trees last time.
DAD:       One of the new American style lodges, I didn't think they were here yet.
GIRL:      Cool, a Ferris wheel and look, a Brittney Spears arcade!
BOY:       Dad, can we get a slurpy at the Seven-Eleven?
MOM:     My goodness. What happened to our wilderness park?
DAD:      This was in that secret Liberal plan for our parks that Gordon Campbell had hidden.
BOY:      The parking lot is way flat and I didn't even bring my skateboard.
MOM:     Is that skinny thing a bear in a cage?
DAD:      Yeah, it says 'No Hiking. See a raccoon here.'
MOM:     That lodge is huge. The flashing lights for the bar are kinda bright.
SON:      Where are we gonna camp, Dad?
GIRL:     Dad, no tenting on the parking lot.
DAD:      I see that. It's $10 an hour to park here anyway.
BOY:      This is cool, Dad, just like the city. And there's gonna be a water park here soon.
DAD:      Don't they know there's a LAKE out there?
GIRL:      I like Gordon Campbell, he's changed everything.
(Dad starts to openly cry)
MOM:      Aw Hon, don't do that, she can't vote yet.
DAD:      She needs retraining. Whatever happened to seeing the wilderness?
MOM:     Whatever happened to Supernatural British Columbia?
DAD:      There was no money in it for the Liberals.
(Dad continues sobbing as a flock of starlings crap on his car on their way to the new McDonalds.)
GIRL:     Da-ad, Jimmy's breathing all the air again!
 

from Wednesday, November 09, 2005

Movie review - The Legend of Zorro

Long in the tooth Antonio Banderas would rather ride the Black Horse than Catherine Zeta Jones, just when she's heaving her breasts ala Barbara Cartland romance novel, he rides off into the moon. A chubby lil Mexican kid runs weight off by the end of the picture and Catherine wells up with tears again and again.
Lots of sword fighting, but it's not Johnny Depp, more like his Dad with bad eye makeup, and nobody ever gets cut. But blow-ups are everywhere and even when a California orange falls to the ground it sounds like the Space Shuttle exploding. I think the sound effects guy must be the producer's brother-in-law. Bring ear plugs.
There are a couple of times where they forgot to put Antonio on the apple box and he has to look up to Catherine, but who cares? Being anywhere near that magnificent brunette is good enough, and especially when you're at eye level with her ..... well never mind. Have fun trying to spot the Lee Marvin movie parody.

The hero of the piece? I'd put my money on the Black Horse                

from Thursday, March 08, 2007          

            Cialis

Cialis has this advertising out right now - an older couple talking in a grassy glade. The sun is just right, the forest is fresh, their bicycles nearby, suggesting healthy fun people. It's a halcyon scene. Then they walk away into the bushes. I want to call out to them, "Hey, don't forget your bikes, this is a bad neighborhood!" But alas, they hear nothing because he has taken Cialis, the 36 hour Erectile Disfunction drug! Maybe Cialis makes you forgetful?
In another scene two people are sitting in separate bathtubs on a hillside in a vineyard, overlooking the city. No water pipes going into the bathtubs. Maybe they're all tired out from bringing the water to the tubs. Maybe it got cold after all that exercise? Maybe there was terrible shrinkage? Maybe they're just kinky?
By the way, when that couple is walking through the grape vines, does he look a little bowlegged to you?
They say that Cialis can be taken on a Friday night and you're covered for the whole weekend! Wow. Then they assert that the wife could say, "Honey, how about tomorrow?" and it'd still be alright. Does she have another headache? One of the side effects for men is headache and upset stomach. But men with good wood would only blurt, "To hell with the headache and I might throw up but sheeez look what I've got here!"
36 HOURS! The Cialis people say that provides a window of opportunity. I say stay away from windows or you might have the cops at your door! 36 whole hours. But wait, then they tell you to call your doctor if you have an erection lasting more than four hours! Isn't that kind of contradictory? Most old guys wouldn't call anyone at all, they'd be happy just to proudly stare at it for 36 hours! Maybe see how many coats they could hang on it?
Okay, so if your wife has a headache and you're standing at attention for hours on end,  all is not lost, but don't phone your doctor,  tell her you gave her sister a call.
That oughta be exciting.

from Thursday, September 29, 2005

from Monday, October 10, 2005

Today in history - Oct 10, 1886

1886 - Griswold Lorillard of Tuxedo Park, N.Y., fashioned the first tuxedo for men.
 It was said Griswold got the idea after a wildlife adventure trip to Antarctica.

from Saturday, April 02, 2005

Pope John Paul II

I am not a Roman Catholic, but I liked the Pope anyway.
Almost as soon as he took the power of his religion, he began changing the world, Karol Wojtyla who knew peril as a young man at the hands of the Nazis, went right back into Poland and courageously stuck religion into the face of the communists. And this single Holy man confronted them with such a resolute adversary they never recovered. Yet he was shot for his efforts by a Turk from Bulgaria, supposedly put up to it by the Soviet KGB, who could see that he was a dangerous man championing the freedom of religious belief and challenging their future.

Solidarnosc (Solidarity) was born because John Paul II provided daring leadership and gave his people hope and power, and consequently, oppressed people everywhere shared in that new power. It was not only about religious freedom, but liberty for all humanity.
In the ensuing years the momentum from that historic and gutsy visit caught hold. He started the chink in the wall that brought down the Iron Curtain and freed most of Eastern Europe from the oppression of a generation of forced communism.
Pope John Paul II gave the people of Poland a new respect while using his religion for the highest purpose. He gave hope to people of every country.
We all owe him big time.

And no one tells Polack jokes anymore either.

from Wednesday, January 12, 2005

Better pictures . . .

They asked me to stop posting bad pictures of our British Columbia Premier,  Gordon Campbell.




They are right, this is no good.

Shouldn't have been put up here for your viewing.

Unfair to our beloved Premier.

Sorry, I won't post a bad picture like that again.



This one is much better ...



Yes, way better.   More centered and the colour is nicer, don't you think?

from Friday, December 24, 2004

Late News - Santa where are you?

News Bulletin: Just in. Santa's sley has disappeared from radar screens. After leaving the North Pole it seems he just vanished.
The new American Missile defense system had no comment on the rumour that a missile, which was supposed to have been launched in a failed test weeks ago, suddenly activated and headed toward Santa. The words 'Donner and Blitzen' flashed across military monitors and the computer read them as the German words 'thunder and lightning', believing it to be a codename for an attack from the French pretending they were Germany. As usual there was no mention of North Korea. The missile headed straight toward a red beacon mistakenly read as a warhead. Rudolph will be missed.

Homeland Security said that whatever happened, America is safer now.

Canada isn't.

from Tuesday, December 12, 2006

Rocky VI, could life be any better?

Just when you thought it was safe to go back into the ring .... Sylvester Stallone appears, at 59 years of age, to battle glove on glove with yet another villain. Will he wear boxing shoes or bedroom slippers? Will he have a mouth guard or simply leave his teeth in his corner? Will he wear a jock strap or a hernia belt?
Who will the villain be this time?
The sleek Carl Weathers as Apollo Creed or the daunting Dolph Lundgren as Russian Ivan Drago ... no wait, Stallone won't have Lundgren back because the Kyokushinkai karate champion broke his ribs while they were shooting Rocky IV when Sly thought for a minute there that he was a real boxer. And anyway we LIKE Russians now even though Dolph is a Swede..
They'll need a serious enemy for this one ... Someone fearsome. Someone Ba-ad. A real boogy-man.
Eminem? ....... Nah, talks too much, we need our star to say the lines.
Hannibal Lecter with a starched white napkin and a glass of Chianti in his corner? ....... Nah, too literate for Rocky.
Mike Tyson, sheeez, scary, all teeth and wimpy voice, licking his lips, taunting Rocky. Whispering so Sly has to cock his ear and come closer. ...... Nah, too much like cannibal Hannibal.
Hey, what about Kim Jong Il, the North Korean President, bill him as the Pyongyang Pugilist against Rocky's Atomic Fists! ....... Nah, watching anyone smack that cartoon head of Jong's around would just become a comedy. Too much fun.
Hmm, let's see ... a woman maybe? Yeah Syd, that's IT! They're running for President now, they gotta take their lumps too. Hillary Clinton fits the bill, she's cool, she's nasty, some think she already murdered that guy in the White House ....... Nah, she'd beat the hell out of Stallone in the audition! Too dangerous for our hero. And the stunt doubles would refuse to do it.
Of course we'll have Talia Shire back as Granny Daisy Moses. (she's in with Francis Ford Cuppola, you know, and that means the Mafia) And Burgess Meredith again as the trainer. Yeah, I know he's dead but we're not giving him lines, he'll just have to sit there looking glazed. Again. Call his mortician.

I got it. I got it! Saddam Hussein! He's available. He's mean. He's tough. Everyone hates him. They could have Saddam enter from a hole in the center of the ring, all full of dust and dirt, spider-web beard and all! He's a natural Weapon of Mass Destruction. It's a win win situation. (Well not for Saddam) But it'll work! He's the anti-Santa Claus. Elton John singing Rocket Man! Fireworks and tracers overhead. That green film from the '91 war. A terrorist section in the bleachers! Stealth Bombers in the night. And when Rocky knocks him out, we'll have him fall exactly like that Statue in Bagdad! Just ... friggin' ... perfect.

Opponents?


Hmmm, but why do I feel most of the hot money would be on Saddam?

from Tuesday April 12, 2005

     Ex-conversation ...

Reporter -     "Mr. Chretien, some people are saying you might be involved in this so-called Sponsorship Scandal
                        have you anything to say about it?"
Chretien -     "I am glad you ask me about dat scandal t'ing. I am hopin' Mr. Martin will get to bottom
                        of dat Brian Mulroney scandal."
Reporter -     "Excuse me, Mr. Ex-Prime Minister, but I was talking about the Liberal scandal,
                         not the Conservative one."
Chretien -     "If you notice, Mr. smart guy Reporter, dat Mr. Ex-Prime Minister Joe Who, endorse  the Liberal party
                        one time before. Even he was ashamed of Mr. Ex-Prime Minister Brian Mulroney's behavior."
Reporter -     "I think you mean Mr. Joe Clark."
Chretien -     "Joe Who?"
Reporter -     (pause of perplexion) "But Sir, you are ignoring the current Liberal problems, with the testimony of
                        Mr.  Brault and all his allegations of corruption using taxpayer’s money.”
Chretien -     "We don't had no alligators in Canada."
Reporter -     "Pulease."
Chretien -     "First t'ings first. People are also wondering where Mr. Ex-Prime Minister Mulroney has been getting
                          all dat money for high living."
Reporter -     "But Mr. Chretien, I wanted to ...."
Chretien -     "Call me Mr. Ex-Prime Minister .... and everyone wondering if Mila goin' to return dat furniture."
Reporter -     "Mr. Ex-Prime Minister, are you denying you have any involvement in this latest scandal?"
Chretien -     "I did not say fuddy-duddy, like Mr. Ex-Prime Minister Trudeau. I did not grab Iona Campagnolo's ass
                        like Mr. Ex-Prime Minister John Turner,  who did fall into a hole when Mr. Ex-Prime Minister
                        Mulroney appear on da scene. And no one follow Mr. Ex-Prime Minister John anymore.  And Mr.
                        Ex-Prime Minister Bordon get all dat war time scandal."
Reporter -     “That was in 1917!”
Chretien -     “See? I tol’ you so.”
Reporter -     “And John Diefenbaker is dead.”
Chretien -     “Oui. He die every day on da floor of Parliament.” (chuckle)
Reporter -     (sigh) "Sir, er, Mr Ex-Prime Minister, they say that Prime Minister Martin will sacrifice
                       you to hang onto power for the Liberals and ...."
Chretien -     "You might as well start calling him Mr. Ex-Prime Minister Martin."
Reporter -     "So do you think he'll last as long as Ex-Prime Minister Campbell?"
Chretien -     "He was Prime Minister?"
Reporter -     "KIM Campbell. SHE lasted almost 6 full months. She had no time to get into a scandal."
Chretien -     "Merde. Damn Westerners."
Reporter -     "She might have been honest."
Chretien -     "You know, I am proud I send Mr. Ex-Prime Minister Campbell to work wit’ dem morons 
                       sout' of da border."
Reporter -     (bigger sigh) You aren't going to answer anything about the current scandal,
                       are you Sir?"
Chretien -     "Montreal Canadienne not doing too good dis year."
Reporter -     "Yes, I hear Serge Savard is even implicated. And there IS no hockey this year.”
Chretien -     “Dat is not hockey. Dem new guy still got all dere teet’.”
Reporter -     "One last question, Sir ...."
Chretien -     "Mr. Ex-Prime Minister."
Reporter -     "Mr. Ex-Prime Minister, when Mr. Martin falls in disgrace, who will be the next leader of Canada?"
Chretien -     "Gilles Duceppe."
Reporter -     “Thank you Mr. Ex-Prime Minister.”
Chretien -     "Mercy."

hate Ozzy Osbourne?

Why? Because he talks funny? Because his music made him really rich? Because he's got Sharon and you don't?

Watch this video for a glimpse of his tender side and a universal message in a truly beautiful song.

Moderator - In the spirit of fair BC politics, unlike the television media coverage, we have invited candidates from all the running parties to participate in debate tonight about the issues most concerning British Columbians in the upchucking ... er, upcoming Provincial Election on May 17th ... or 18th. Nice to have you all here, certain parties did not send candidates, for whatever reasons. Just one note, our Marijuana Party member is on a day pass from his prison cell. So, we’ll get right to ...
Liberal -                     We did not sell BC Rail, it’ll be ours again in 990 years. We still own the rocks under the tracks, you know. The economy is great. People are all feeling wonderful!
Marijuana Party -    Yeah, sssswwwwwwwwttt, I’m feelin’ pretty good.
NDP -                         My old Aunt Martha isn’t feeling that great, we haven’t seen her for 8 months since you Liberals closed her hospital, we think she’s still in a closet in there!
Green Party -           We stand for more trees, more fishies and moosies and lakes and ...
NDP -                         There’s another leaked document, the Liberals are draining the lakes.
Marijuana Party -    Cotton candy, Man, there’s the thing. Sssswwwwwwwwwtt.
Green Party -           Please, don’t blow that smoke at me.
Liberal -                     Me either, I’ve had enough trouble with impairment.
NDP -                         You were mentally impaired BEFORE you took office.
Marijuana Party -     Hey, Man, ever smoke any of that pakalolo in Maui?
Liberal -                     Shhhh.
Green Party -            We’re for clean air.
Unknown Party -     So am I. Who let one?
Liberal -                     Sorry.
Green Party -            We’re for bears and ...
Sex Party -                We’re for bare naked!
Marijuana Party -     Coo-ol.
Moderator -               Can we talk about the issues?
NDP -                         The Liberals ARE the issues.
Work Less Party -   Some people don't know what the issues are .... because they're working too much.
Marijuana Party -     Some people don't know a Hoochie Mama from Ho Chi Minh either. Sssswwwtttt.
Democratic Reform - We should discuss STVs.
Unknown Party -     I don’t get that channel.
Sex Party -                Play safe, no STDs. We’re for public nudity and sex in the workplace. It would make for a much nicer day and a release of tension.
Liberal -                     And plenty of sunburn, what about Health Care costs?
Green Party -            ST V, the Several Transferable Vote.
Moderator -               Let's be serious. Do we want to transfer our votes or not?
Marijuana Party -     Whhhhhhheeeeooooooooooo. Transferred mine to Sparky last weekend. Look what I got for it.
Liberal -                     Psst! MaryJane Guy, got any papers?
Work Less Party -   We need to skip right to the 22 hour work weak, it would make more jobs. Excuse me a moment, I have to phone in sick for tomorrow.
Sex Party -                Make more time for sex. By the way, Green Party, you should show a bit of cleavage. Maybe hike up that skirt a little.
Marijuana Party -     Sssswwwwwwwwwwwwttttttt.
NDP -                         Whew, it’s hot in here.
Unknown Party -    Anyone got any spare change?
Liberal -                     Moderator, make them be serious. Let’s talk about what’s important to British Columbians.
Moderator -              We hope to define that tonight.
Green Party -           I’m for a greener BC. Quit exhaling on us!
Marijuana Party -    Dave’s not here, sssswwwwwwwwwttttt, want a hit, Man?
NDP -                         We are supposed to be here for BC voters. So they can decide stuff.
Marijuana Party -    I’m for BC, Bud.
Green Party -           Mr. Moderator, The Liberal is moving next to the Marijuana Guy, I think they’re making a deal.
NDP -                         He’s breathing deeper too.
Unknown Party -    Any spare change?
Liberal -                     We’re gonna change the world, tee hee hee.
Democratic Reform - What about ICBC?
Liberal -                     You won’t see it for longggggg. Giggle. We’re selling it to the Americans.
Work Less Party -   ICBC or BC?
NDP -                         Was that part of your plea bargain, Liberal? Ha ha.
Marijuana Party -     Ssssswwwwwwwwwwtttt. Yo, Green Party, save the trees, grow hemp.
Green Party -            We gotta stop sending raw logs out of the province.
Liberal -                     Okay, we’ll cook ‘em first! Har har har.
Marijuana Party -     Funny, Man. Ssssswwwwwwwwwwtttt.
Moderator -               Please, we need to pay attention. What about BC Hydro power dams?
Liberal -                     Damn the torpedoes, full speed ahead! Haw haw haw.
Democratic Reform - Hey Liberal, is your Federal branch still gonna let Americans shoot torpedoes in Georgia Straight?
Unknown Party -     I’m hungry, anyone got potato chips?
NDP -                          Let’s try and concentrate here. Tee hee. Did you know you’re ears were crooked? Ha ha ha. Oops! Argh.
Green Party -            Did you hurt yourself, NDP? I’ll fix your chair.
Liberal -                     Ssswwwwwwwwwwwtttt. Leave her down there.
Green Party -            Sex Party, stop it! I’m not like that.
Democratic Reform - Gimme some of that ...... Sssswwwwwwwwwwwttttt.
NDP -                          Sssswwwwwwwwwtttt. Takes the pain away.
Marijuana Party -     Sssswwwwwwwwtttt. Wwwwoooohhhhhhhhoooooooooooo. The joint is jumpin'.
Unknown Party -     Pass it then.
Democratic Reform - What was I for again? Haha ha ha ha.
NDP -                          Delicious. Aar Aar Aar.
Sex Party -                Green, it’s ok, we’re only on radio.
Moderator -               Oh jeeze.
Liberal -                     Where did they go?
Green Party -            Oh, Sex Party, it’s been so long ....... oohhhh my.
Sex Party -                Green, You're a Babe!
Democratic Reform - What are you two doing down there?
Unknown Party -     Reforming democracy. Sssswwwwwwttt.
NDP -                         Chips anyone? This room is nice the way it revolves.
Democratic Reform - Anyone got dip?
Work Less Party -    Lotta dipshits in the government.
Marijuana Party -     Ssssswwwwwwwwwwtttt. I read where there’s an erection comin’ up soon.
Sex Party -                Hey, erections are in OUR platform.
Green Party -           Come back down here, I'll show you a platform.
Sex Party -                Woo.
Moderator-                Excuse me .... I think he meant the election. We're supposed to be talking about that.
Liberal -                     Or not. Haw haw haw haw. Swwwtttttt.
NDP -                         Who brought the munchies? Sssswwwwwwwtttt.
Unknown Party -    Any spare change? Sssswwwwwwwwwtttt.
NDP -                         I think some coins fell out of Sex Party’s pocket. He he he.
Work Less Party -   Forget it, the Liberal got it already. Sssswwwwwwwtttt. Ha ha ha ha.
Liberal -                     Burp. Haw haw haw. Mumble.
Marijuana Party -     Wheeez.
Moderator -              Marijuana Party guy, you are a candidate running from within prison and here tonight on a day pass, what time do you have to be back?
Marijuana Party -    Who's goin' back, Man?
...
..
.
Moderator -               Is that it then? No one going to even speak anymore? Are all of you content to just sit there with silly grins and float? ........                     You’re all darned lucky this is radio .........Ah, what the hell, gimme a hit .... Ssssswwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwtttttttttttttttttttttttttttttt!

 

note; the Unknown Party member was an apolitical dumpster diver who was only passing by hoping for a meal.
All other party members were authentically suppositional. Remember to vote on May 17th ..... or18th.                                                                                                                                                          or not.

  1924 - Congress granted US citizenship to all American Indians.

  Big of 'em.
    er ... shouldn't it have been the other way around?

from Wednesday, January 18, 2006

Things I learn as I get older

- you don't want to have your laundry hamper and your toilet in the same room if you get up at night.

- intestinal gas is not a propellant.

- I must have only dreamt I peed a hole through cardboard once.

- all those people weren't actually talking to ME.

-  prunes aren't funny anymore.

- if you wear dentures, don't spit while flushing the toilet.

- hair moves around under your skin to a different place.

- snoring is like a reverse alarm system.

- on the pleasure scale scratching a rash and good bowel movements are now tied for first.

- untying your shoelaces is way harder than tying them.

- the best way to keep your slippers on is to put your socks on OVER them.

- cover your mouth when you cough; it's embarrassing to spew germs all over. It's even more
              embarrassing to spew your teeth over the checkout counter.

- women's thongs worn backwards are not sexy.  On Grandma.

- to appear like a stud in a swimsuit, put the potato in the FRONT of your Speedo, not the back.  

 

The crew of an Air Canada passenger jet was forced to break down the cockpit door in mid-air after the pilot locked himself out when he popped out for a minute to use the toilet at the back of the Air Canada Jazz aeroplane. The bizarre incident occured with 30 minutes to go of an internal flight from Ottawa to Winnipeg. Hmmm. And it seems, aside from being funny, a little troubling. Apparently this pilot was talking on an internal microphone to the First Officer IN the cockpit during the incident. Hmmm again. Couldn't the First Officer have simply unlocked the door? Were they angry at each other? Was the First Officer afraid of the pilot? Why wouldn't he open the door? Was the FO having too much fun steering?

Pilot -     "Let me in, Bruce!"
First -     "No, you never let me steer."
Pilot -     "Just open the door."
First -     "Sure sure, you're always nice when we're alone, but in public, oh no, you ignore me        then."
Pilot -     "I won't ignore you anymore, just OPEN THE FRIGGIN' DOOR."
First -     "If you're going to swear at me like that ...."
Pilot -     "Bruce, this is embarrassing, the passengers who aren't terrified are laughing."
First -     "So I'm a laughing stock am I?"
Pilot -     "Sheeeez .... Anybody got a screwdriver?"
First -     "You won't find one, they're not allowed. Terrorists could use them."
Pilot -     "Bruce. please open the door."
First -     "No, you could be a terrorist."
Pilot -     "Just undo the lock, I promise I won't be mad."
First -     "I can't reach it, I'm busy steering."
Pilot -     "We'll say the lock got stuck. I'll let you land. "
First -     "Promise?"

The troubling thing is that Manon Stuart, spokeswoman for Air Canada, when explaining the 'event' said, "We investigated the incident and the crew followed standard operational procedure." What? They have a procedure for when the pilot locks himself out of the cockpit? Is it in a manual somewhere? Rule 5A? Just under Parachuting?
I'm not sure if it's funny or not?

Wisdom

  Give a man a fish and his belly will be full for the rest of the day ...

   Teach a man to fish and his belly will be full for the rest of his life.

   Give a man a match and he'll be warm for a while ...

   Set a man on fire and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.

from Sunday, May 14, 2006

Today in History . . . May 14

1643 - King Louis XIV, who would become known as the Sun King, became ruler of France.


 

King Louis

from Friday, August 18, 2006

 Astronomers - be fair, be fun.                               

As International Astronomers meet to redefine our planets this week, some are worried about the status of our tenth planet. Officially designated 2003 UB313, it was originally discovered in October, 2003 by Caltech's Michael Brown, Chad Trujillo from the Gemini Observatory in Hawaii, and David Rabinowitz from Yale University.

They are also deciding if Pluto is to remain classified as a planet. Recent addition 2003ub313, now more affectionately named Xena, is slightly larger than Pluto. Xena's sidekick moon has been dubbed Gabrielle. If Pluto stays in, then Xena must be included. The scientists are thinking that Pluto's satellite moon, Charon, might also be classified as a planet, even though it is small enough to be a 'Pluton'.

Well we need fairness in your decision, Messrs Astronomers, and a little lightness and fun in our immediate galaxy. If Pluto stays in, and Charon adds in, then Xena and Gabrielle MUST stay in.

There are thousands of amateur skywatchers here on Earth, peering into the glinting blackness above, who couldn't bear to have Xena and Gabrielle parted again. A single orbit takes those two worlds 560 earth-years. It's not about mimicking a tv show, it's about imagination and putting a little fantasy into science to make it more interesting and perhaps enticing to casual observers. Don't be xenophobes, give the Xenaphobes of the world something to hope for..

I, for one, would feel better if the names became official and knowing that Xena, the Warrior Princess and Gabrielle, her loyal companion are out there together forever. It would just make the scintillation of the night sky a little brighter.

from way back when . . .

Numa Numa Guy