goodbye, nothing left but the bones
Did you hear about
the Japanese politician who took Viagra
because he thought it would help him win the erection?
A policeman knocks
on the door, a man answers it.
The policeman shows the man a picture
and says, "Is this a picture of your wife, Sir?"
The man answers, "Yes officer, it is."
The cop says, "I'm afraid it looks like she's been in a car accident."
The man says, "I know, but she has a lovely personality."
A man with
Alzheimer's stands at a bank drive-thru with a gun,
says to the teller, "Give me all your money." The teller shoves money
at the man. He pushes it right back and says, "I'll have a burger and fries."
Steve Allen - Asthma doesn't seem to bother me anymore unless I'm around cigars or dogs. The thing that would bother me most would be a dog smoking a cigar.
What does a insomniac, agnostic, dyslexic do at night?
Lays awake wondering if there's a dog.
Your IQ test results came back. They were negative.
You know you're sick when your doctor wants you to go in for an autopsy.
Groucho Marx - I never forget a face, but in your case, I'll make an exception.
I thought I was having a heart attack, my
doctor said, "Surely, you're having an
acute myocardial infarction."
I knew I was in trouble when he thought I was cute and started calling me Shirley.
Dyslexics are teople poo
A blonde is on one
side of a stream, She wants to cross,
She sees no bridge but another blonde across the water,
she hollars over, "How do I get to the other side?"
The second blonde
looks puzzled a moment,
then says, "You ARE on the other side?"
Rita Rudner - If you never want to see a man again, say, "I love you, I want to marry you, I want to have children." - They leave skid marks.
A meek little
skinny guy appears at the door of a biker bar,
Looks into the smoky room full of huge tattooed leathered riders,
"Ahem," he stammers, "anybody here own a Rottweiler dog?"
Finally one of the
bikers notices him and responds,
"I got a rottie out there, what's it to ya?"
The little guy trembles and says, "I think my chihuahua just killed it."
The whole biker
bar goes silent. The little guy shrinks. The huge biker stands,
chains clanking, tattooes stretching, beer spilling, "What you say?
How in the effin' hell your chihuahua gonna kill my rottweiler?"
The little guy mumbles, "He choked on it."
There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.
Mark Twain - Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
The teacher is
teaching and little Bobby puts up his hand, flicking it hard.
"Yes Bobby?" she asks. Bobby says, teach, "Can I go take a piss?"
Teacher replies, "Bobby, that's no way to ask. The word would be urinate.
Let's use that properly, in a sentence. Can anyone do that?"
Little Mary says,
"Teacher. Bobby needs to urinate."
Teach responds, "Well done, Mary." Little Billy is now shaking his hand furiously.
"Yes, Billy. Can you use urinate in a sentence?"
stands and says, "Teacher yer an eight, if you had bigger tits,
you'd be a ten."
Bob's Top Five ways to stay married :
1. - Don't ever fight over the choice of a breakfast wine.
2. - Don't ever criticize her dinner. Get an under-the-table dog.
3. - Don't poke a she-bear in hibernation. Hibernation lasts till noon.
4. - Don't ever let her catch you looking at her bum. No good can come of that.
5. - Don't misspell Happy Anniversary to read 'Happy Adversary.'
ba da bing