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 the audition I wrote to play a NYC taxi driver who talks too much - - -



The Brando Cab


"Okay, on our way to Forty-Second Street.

I gotta tell ya somethin’ Sir, you, are a privileged man, because your bum, is sittin’ in the exact same seat that mistah Marlon Brando’s bum sat in.

Yep, right in this here cab, HEY! WATCH WHERE YA GOIN',  I had the world’s greatest livin’ actor sittin’ back there.  He flags me. Was wearin’ a big black hat an' a cape. When was the last time you saw a man in a cape?

So he’s a big guy, mistah Brando is and he’s goin’ to the theatre to see a friend actin’ in some streetcar movie. So on the way, mistah Brando spots a hamburger joint up ahead to the right, an’ he says to me, ‘Say Cabbie, ain’t that a hamburger joint up there?’ Sure is Mr. Brando. He says he ain’t had a hamburger in years, hit the drive thru. So we get four burgers, one for me, three for him. But I can’t eat no burgers, doc says my ethenol count is way too high for the ticker. So mistah Brando wolfs them burgers down hisself. He’s a big guy, ya know.

So we get to the theatre, he gives me fifty bucks and the fare’s only eight dollars, like the same distance you're goin',  and he says, ‘Here’s the deal, Cabbie: you show up at intermission, 8:30, at this here side door with three more o’ them burgers and there’s a hunnerd bucks in it for ya.’ I go, 'Done deal mistah Brando.'

8:30 I’m there, mistah Brando comes out that side door, lookin’ up and down the alley like a thief, grins when he gets the warm bag ‘cause I brung him five o’ them burgers. He scoffs ‘em down in a flash like they was cookies. Gives me the hunnerd and starts back inta the door.

I call after him, 'Mistah Brando, uh, a little mayo there,' I’m meanin’ his chin. He wipes it away then goes, ‘Be here at eleven, Cabbie, to take my guests and me back. Good tip in it for ya. And call me Marlon.’

 Imagine that? Yeah? Marlon.

So I get there, he’s wit' a skinny actor guy and a lipstick blonde, they pile in, headin’ back. And comin' up again on the left now, is that same burger joint. Mistah Brando leans hisself forward, ‘Say Cabbie, is that a burger joint up ahead? I haven’t had a burger in years, pull in and we’ll get some.’

He looks me in the mirror, and goes glunk, winks his right eye. I wink my left eye back at him. Glunk. Sure thing, mistah Brando. The Lipstick goes, ‘But we’re going to Sardi’s later, Marlon.’ I say but Sardi ain’t got no burgers on his menu. So we pull in, five more burgers, ‘course nobody but mistah Brando, uh, Marlon, eats ‘em.

We get back, they all pile out, The dame showin’ a lot a leg and the actor guy sorta broodin’. Mistah Brando leans back in, gives me one of them left handed Hollywood handshakes with two crisp hunnerd dollar bills in it! He says low to me, ‘For service and discretion. Thank you, Cabbie.’

Now that man had class. He was Somebody. That’s a three hunnerd fifty dollah night for me. An’ that’s gotta be some kinda record eatin’ like 23 burgers in one night. Yeah?

So now I’m thinkin’ a gettin’ a sign painted on my fender sayin’ BrandoCab, maybe chargin’ more.

Ah here we are, Elm Street.

Like it’s somethin’ havin’ the worlds greatest livin’ actor stick his bum inta yer cab ain’t it? ... Well, I guess he’s the world’s greatest dead actor now, yeah?

That’ll be 17.50 Sir."



© 2008 Bob Westerholm


  ... Marlon Brando got me the gig.





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