goodbye, nothing left but the bones










Did you hear about the Japanese politician who took Viagra
because he thought it would help him win the erection?



A policeman knocks on the door, a man answers it.
The policeman shows the man a picture
and says, "Is this a picture of your wife, Sir?"
The man answers, "Yes officer, it is."
The cop says, "I'm afraid it looks like she's been in a car accident."
The man says, "I know, but she has a lovely personality."



A man with Alzheimer's stands at a bank drive-thru with a gun,
says to the teller, "Give me all your money." The teller shoves money
at the man. He pushes it right back and says, "I'll have a burger and large fries."


Steve Allen - Asthma doesn't seem to bother me anymore unless I'm around cigars or dogs.  The thing that would bother me most would be a dog smoking a cigar.


What does a insomniac, agnostic, dyslexic do at night?

Lays awake wondering if there's a dog.



Your IQ test results came back. They were negative.



You know you're sick when your doctor wants you to go in for an autopsy.


Groucho Marx - I never forget a face, but in your case, I'll make an exception.


I thought I was having a heart attack, my doctor said, "Surely, you're having an
acute myocardial infarction." 
I knew I was in trouble when he thought I was cute and started calling me Shirley.



I am not an alcoholic.

Alcoholics go to meetings.

I am a drunk.

We go to parties.


Dyslexics are teople poo



A blonde is on one side of a stream, She wants to cross,
She sees no bridge but another blonde across the water,
 she hollars over, "How do I get to the other side?"

The second blonde looks puzzled a moment,
then says, "You ARE on the other side?"


Rita Rudner - If you never want to see a man again, say, "I love you, I want to marry you, I want to have children." - They leave skid marks.




Bear on a treadmill




A meek little skinny guy appears at the door of a biker bar,
Looks into the smoky room full of huge tattooed leathered riders,

"Ahem," he stammers, "anybody here own a Rottweiler dog?"

Finally one of the bikers notices him and responds, 
"I got a rottie out there, what's it to ya?"

The little guy trembles and says, "I think my chihuahua just killed it."

The whole biker bar goes silent. The little guy shrinks. The huge biker stands,
chains clanking, tattooes stretching, beer spilling, "What you say?
How in the effin' hell your chihuahua gonna kill my rottweiler?"

The little guy mumbles, "He choked on it."



There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.


Mark Twain - Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.


The teacher is teaching and little Bobby puts up his hand, flicking it hard.
"Yes Bobby?" she asks. Bobby says, "Teach, can I go take a piss?"
Teacher replies, "Bobby, that's no way to ask. The word would be urinate.
Let's use that properly, in a sentence. Can anyone do that?"

Little Mary says, "Teacher. Bobby needs to urinate."
Teach responds, "Well done, Mary." Little Billy is now shaking his hand furiously.
"Yes, Billy. Can you use urinate in a sentence?"

Little Billy stands and says, "Teacher yer an eight, if you had bigger tits,
you'd be a ten."



Bob's Top Five ways to stay married :


1. - Don't ever fight over the choice of a breakfast wine.

2. - Don't ever criticize her dinner. Get an under-the-table dog.

3. - Don't poke a she-bear in hibernation. Hibernation lasts till noon.

4. - Don't ever let her catch you looking at her bum. No good can come of that.

5. - Don't misspell Happy Anniversary to read 'Happy Adversary.'




A man is injured and gets gangrene in his leg. He enters hospital to have the infected leg removed.

He awakes after the operation and his doctor is standing by his bed looking nervous. He says,

"I have bad news and good news for you, Sir." Patient is apprehensive and says, "Oh my,

Give me the bad news first, Doc,"  Doctor replies, "The bad news is that they took off the wrong leg,

and then of course, they had to take off the bad one. So now you have no legs."

Tne patient cringes, holding back tears, then asks, "Doctor, what is the good news?"

Doctor says, "The guy in the next bed wants to buy your slippers."



The Farmer's son is not too bright. But he is told to go to the back 40 and mend a fence.

And take a cel phone with him so he can tell his Paw how it is going.

After about 2 hrs, the farmer calls the lad. "Why is it taking so long? You got the fence fixed yet?"

The lad replies, "No Paw,"

"What's the problem then."

Son answers, "I run over a pig, Paw."

Dad says, "Oh, jeese. Okay. Son, just drag him off the road then and get back here."

Farmer waits a half hour and calls the boy again, "What now? Did you drag him off the road?"

"I did Paw, but he's still alive."

Farmer sighs and says, "Son, there's a shotgun behind the seat, Just put it to his head and finish him off."

"Okay Paw."

Another half hour and farmer is irritated, calls again, "Son, you dragged him off the road and finished him off, yes?"

"Yeah Paw, he's dead now."

"So why in hell aren't you back here yet?"

"Paw, his motorcycle is stuck under the truck."










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