Fred Willard went to an adult movie theater. Someone must have followed him there and somehow the police were called and Fred was arrested for lewd conduct. Are these the same people who followed Pee Wee Herman into his theater?  I believe that was the charge against Pee Wee too.
Both of these men lost their jobs and had a tremendous crash to their careers.

But it was in an adult theater, there is no such thing as lewd conduct in an adult theater. You are supposed to do lewd things in there. The screen is filled with lewd people lewding each other! The lewd attendees, having paid with lewd money, and sitting a discrete 5 rows from each other are thinking lewd thoughts, with overcoats over their lewd laps and perhaps a napkin in their trembling hands. It is an ADULT theater. For porn, get it?
 

Fred Willard is now 76. Viagra pills cost about $15 each. Admission to these theaters (for seniors) is about $7. There is no sense taking a Viagra if you have no one to share the results with. 
What about Pee Wee? Did the poor little man ever proposition a hooker without being laughed at? Did she turn him down because she didn't have her pigtails on? Where was he supposed to go? And what kind of reporter follows Pee Wee around until he slips into a Triple X theater? Is Fred Willard a target for TMZ? If he really is he should be proud of it and hold a press conference! Maybe cry and apologize for the behavior of the reporter and demonstrate a dramatic ability. His career might take off in a completely new direction.
Was Charlie Sheen lewd? Nope, they couldn't get him because he admitted it all and the girls liked him! Charlie USED the people from TMZ to further his career!

What exactly IS lewd? I'll tell you what lewd is;
     Lewd is the CEO of BP defying the US President while destroying the Gulf fishery.
     Lewd is Dick Cheney over-riding the US Constitution while shooting a guy in the face.
     Lewd is George Bush lying about WMDs in order start a vengeance war.
     Lewd is Michele Bachmann maligning a whole people for Repugnican brownie points.
     Lewd is Rush Limbaugh making fun of Michael J Fox's debilitating disease.
     Lewd is serial child molester Jerry Sandusky and the whole board of Penn State.
     Lewd is the unnamed executives behind the Freddie Mac and Fannie Mae scandals.
     Lewd are the paparazzi who hound people day and night for an uncomplimentary photo.
     Lewd is the mainstream media for ignoring LIBOR scandals in favor of Jennifer Aniston.

Lewd is much bigger than following a fading celebrity into a darkened movie house.

Willard is a veteran comedic actor who has appeared in more than 200 films. He most often portrays characters who seem daft or absent-minded but are nonetheless likeable. Pee Wee seemed to be a naive spacey character who was harmless to all. They've said Fred will be offered a diversion course and will be allowed to enroll in counseling to resolve a lewd conduct arrest that cost the actor his job on a public television program. The police have to do their job, but why not arrest everyone else in that theater too? It was in L.A. surely someone got shot somewhere that day. I would suggest the people on my above lewd list need counseling a lot more than Fred.

We know the targets to come, John Travolta seems to be one. They're itching to get him. And Tom Cruise for sure, but he's pretty smart, that mission might be impossible. They got George Michael but it didn't seem to take, he just went and did a concert with Elton John. They're watching George Clooney pretty carefully too, far too handsome and successful. And a little dangerous if they're not careful. Anderson Cooper took himself out of a controversy by coming out. And the society gossip media seems to be tired of catching congressmen and senators in airport stalls. Not lurid enough, their wives always stick by them for the shopping and the men are just too pathetic.  Didn't these gossip media people get it with Bill Clinton? No one cared!

It's not like the olden days, is it? When the Hollywood media protected Rock Hudson, Johnny Mathis and Tab Hunter. Today it's about trying to destroy people. But I'm asking, what's the point? Don't all these famous people have a right to privacy sometime too? A moment alone without scrutiny? A holiday retreat in private? A quiet movie?
Maybe not, as long as supermarkets exist with magazine racks at the check-out full of vicarious thrills it'll never end. Too bad.

Maybe Fred and Pee Wee could put together a new act. Take it on the road. We've had the Vagina Monologues, why can't we have the Penile Duologues? Maybe reinvigorate PeeWee's Playhouse with Fernwood Tonight and call it Good Wood with your PeeWee Tonight? Or make them both spies wearing shades and trench-coats in a flashy TV show called Secret Servicing? Or something dark and morose, like Ingmar Bergman cinema, call it The Five Fingers. Can you see Fred as a Swede, saying, "Jah, und der barometer vas fallink und I vas standing oonder it."  With PeeWee as a Peter Lorre caricature.

As for me, well, I am a wannabe actor too. I need that embarrassing shot and the pulpy publicity. I'm going to hang outside of an adult movie house and smile at the cars going by like those free car wash girls. Somebody might notice me. I promise to drop my pants too, should it be boxers or briefs? I tried leaving my fly open but a hooker just walked over, zipped it up, smacked me and warned I'd get arrested for insufficient exposure.


Damn. Just when you want something you can't get it. The photographer told me to get outa the picture as he was taking this one.

But I'll be back tomorrow.  After I call TMZ to tell 'em where I am.

Say anything you want about me but spell my name right. Okay?



Meanwhile leave Fred alone, he don't hurt nobody.
 

The Date

Really.
Health Canada has just announced the removal from sale of a product called Lightning Rod. In an advisory released Friday they found that testing identified a hidden ingredient, hydroxythiohomosildenafil, which can be dangerous to people with heart problems, who are at risk of stroke or are taking nitrate drugs. Lightning Rod is a product used to treat erectile dysfunction.
 

Hydroxythiohomosildenafil is similar to sildenafil, the active ingredient in Cialis and Viagra and should only be used under the treatment of a doctor. Or maybe an elocutionist if you're trying to say what you want. It may be called elucidation, although sedation could just as easily take effect.
Health Canada warns that people with heart problems, including high blood pressure, a history of heart attack, stroke, and abnormal heart beat or chest pain are at higher risk of problems if they take sildenafil to help them achieve an erection.
People huh? Be gender specific, women don't take this stuff. Only men with glazed over eyes and dreams of conquest. Other possible side-effects of using sildenafil include headache, facial flushing, indigestion, dizziness, abnormal vision and hearing loss.

It's the side effects isn't it? Always is. Like those CNN medicine ads that tell you they can fix what's wrong with you but the long list of side effects always ends with, 'You may experience death.'  Gets me too. So just when you think you've got the key to a youthful interlude with your loved one, they tell you there's something wrong by adding a big long word with Xs and Ys  in it.

But let's look at those side effects, perhaps we can help;

You want to have that teener erection, like the time when you were 13 at school and Becky was sitting on the stairs with her legs apart. How many times did you walk by? Furtively glancing, stealthily flushing, secretly fantasizing. Noticeably swelling. But that was then, this is now. You're part of the grey Over-the-Hill Mob now.

So you go for the product Lightning Rod. Even the name has excitement. A jagged bolt from the sky filled with heat and thunder. You have memories of your olden days when you proudly presented that thing to your future wife and invited her to, 'meet the President.'
But that first on the list headache could come on. Not the same one she uses, that's called selective migraine. This one is written clearly on the package. Headache. Damn it hurts. So far it's working only to the extent that your head is swelling INSIDE your skull. As long as no blood vessels pop, you should be okay.

Next is the facial flush. This is nothing like the redness you get and try to hide when playing poker with the guys and you have a Royal Flush in your hand. Nope. This is just old man going up the basement stairs out of breath with red blood-pressure 280 over 11 kind of flush with something else in his hand. And it's not appealing at all. Wifey won't say, when she comes in the door from work, "Oh my, what's that bulging in your pants?" She'll more likely yell, "Why are your red eyes bugging out like that?" and she'll push you into a soft chair and call 9-1-1! NOT what you wanted, you sexy old bugger. And you know the paramedics will only grin when they find out what you've done! And no one wants to see what you were so proud of down there in the dark when you took the pill! Did you ever think to check a mirror? There's nothing so laughable than a pretending to be angry penis.

So here comes the next one, indigestion. At last, a symptom you're comfortable with. You have Tums in the candy dish. Don't they make Bromo Seltzer any more? You used to enjoy it with rye whiskey until it took out your liver. Indigestion and you haven't even eaten anything yet. Well except for the left over sardine pizza. Those belches ain't gonna make her feel sexy, Bud, especially with that breath.

And dizziness. This is becoming critical. Why is the room spinning? How can you greet her at the door with a lightning rod if you have to clutch at the walls to get there? You just pulled down the curtain rod. You could put on tango music and slide along the wall. No, she'd just laugh at that. And the only thing pulsating would be your heart, trying to get blood past your stent!Valentino slinked in the sand but he didn't slide across the hardwood. Okay okay. Be AT the door when she walks in. No need to slink or slip. Maybe it's sink or swim? Dizziness is not sexy. You remember when you finally got Becky to go out with you and you slipped a little extra into her drink and when you got amorous she just fell down on the floor and threw up on your suede shoes? Dizziness is not sexy. Just warning you, after all this is a PSA.

What else is written on the package? You say you can't read the bloody package with abnormal vision! As long as you can see her it should be okay, but wait, sheez, is she going to be a blur? What if it's her mother? She comes over on Wednesday nights, doesn't she? Is memory loss on the package too? You can't greet your mother-in-law with a blurry lightning rod. Well it won't be blurry to the Watch Commander, will it? And abnormal doesn't just mean blur, it could be a whole mess of vision things. Things that aren't there. Well THAT is still there, but what if Wifey''s late and it get's into that three hour warning period and those paramedics are wheeling you out on a gurney with a tent in the blanket on your way to get the deflation procedure while she walks up the driveway! Everyone will have a grin on their face except YOU! Might as well push yourself down the basement stairs and just .... die.

What's that you say? Can't hear? Cup your ear. Hearing loss is on the monograph too. Wifey will walk in from work, tell you she's dead tired, has a throbbing headache, it's been a rough day and her boss is a bastard and all you will hear her say is; "Honey, I need you so badly, I can't wait to have sex with you and your Thunderbolt friend." Ba-a-ad mistake. That abnormal heart rate and chest pains have nothing to do with pills and everything to do with Wifey being pissed off! Now she's trying to assassinate the President with her umbrella! Lightning can strike even out of a blue sky!

Is the music still playing? Why can't you hear it? Turn up the tango. Gawd, are you having a stroke? Are you even in the right apartment? You're not sure if Lightning Rod is supposed to work like that. You had to lie crosswise on the toilet to pee. That can't be right. Your ears feel funny. Your toes are even swollen. You kicked the coffee table leg and didn't feel it. You're walking around bumping into things. Even the dog is hiding from you. You're going into mental bankruptcy. And after you swallowed that pill in the basement and imagined sensory overload. Ah, vanity has slain the most brave warriors.


So you can see why Health Canada pulled the product.
The warning is to go see your doctor if you are having erectile problems. You could face a personal disaster if you imagine stalking, lying in wait and attacking your wife as she comes in the door from work! It's just too complicated to contemplate the consequences.  You've been conned by Lightning Rod.

But don't be so hard on yourself.

This has been a Public Service Announcement, paid for by the committee to re-erect the President.

 

Grey Power has arrived. (gnarled fist in air)
The world is about to cross a demographic landmark of huge social and economic significance, with the proportion of the global population 65 and over set to outnumber children under five for the first time in history.
North America can now officially begin paying attention to us old people instead of catering to the wasted young! Times, they are a changin', as senior citizen Bob Dylan would say. Maybe now the powers that be will start looking to us weathered old driftwood characters for direction and advice!

The report, An Ageing World, forecasts that over the next 30 years the number of over-65s is expected to at least double, from 506 million in 2008 to 1.3 billion – a leap from 7% of the world's population to 14%.  In Canada alone we now have more than 6,000 people over 100!

What can we old gray mayors and mares expect in our near future? Assuming we can get there ....

Music: Well, maybe the radio stations will start forgetting the bitching of Metallica about people stealing their 'music', and start remembering Rudy Vallee and Bing Crosby. Where the blue of the night meets the cold of the day and I haven't slept yet! No one steals their songs. And laid-back Perry Como could make a comeback too. Yes I know he's dead but he was never that full of vigor anyway so they could probably exhume him and if he's been embalmed properly he'd be just about the same. Imagine Perry with an iPod down his throat singing Barber of Seville with Paverotti vocals!  The 51st Shade of Grey will be coffin pallor.
 

Ocarina, around for 12000 years

The ocarina might make a comeback too.  Justin Beaver could be playing Miss the Mississippi and You on a sweet potato whilst trying a new hair look. (remember 'whilst'?) Gangsta Rap will be a bully at crosswalks yelling down the time count before the red light.
You might like to know that the song, Wait Till the Sun Shines, Nelly, is now in public domain.
Elvis might come out of hiding, Paul McCartney will forget the words to Hey Jude and Tony Bennett still won't go away.

Dress: Clothing styles will change. Haberdashers won't be selling those hangdownyerassers short pants anymore. They're only good for hiding your Depends anyway.
And they'll only make those skin tight neon latex body suits at the risk of seeing grandmaws with matching electric blue hair on their way to Yoda classes. For which thankful you will be. Not yoga, Yoda, because Luke and Leia now need the Force to get up again. Octogenarians will be charged if seen wearing a mini skirt in public. And cleavage will only refer to cutting your finger off while chopping garlic.

Employment: There will be much more work from home because employers won't be able to count on you even finding your way to work.  And because your retirement age is increasing and will likely be 75 soon, your employer will probably just pay you to stay home rather than go in and f#%$ up everything at the office! You won't want to be paid to go to work anyway, it'll be good enough just to go somewhere. Anywhere. And don't even imagine what Day Care will be like.

Food: No more late night candle lit dinners either. Because we'll all be asleep, from pushing Happy Hour all the way back to 2 pm and then sleeping through the six o'clock news. And more of us old folk will die from drowning in their soup because they're too tired to sit up straight at the table, or from burning down their houses with all those candles! Home cooking will smell like singed eyebrows and burnt oven gloves. Stoves will automatically turn off at 6:15 pm.
Gin and Ensure will be a fave. But Jello shots at bars won't.
No more rock candy even though it is a thing of our generation because we can't tell the rocks from the candy! Only gummy bears in our future. And Pud's Double Bubble gum on the bedpost will have dentures stuck in it! 

Health: We will be healthier, we'll have to be to live so long.  Bowel movements will be the focus of conversations. Great ones the topic. Why just yesterday I had such a good one ... How good was it? It was so good I couldn't flush until I said goodbye! Check out The Bertrameister below for the topic of flatulence.
We old people have more toilet time than movie theater time. My wife visits her toilet so often it trembles when she walks by. Toilet tissue will be the focus of our shopping too. 5-ply because old fingers get sharp. And a separate room for hoarding it. Those pill ads on CNN will finally stop because the side effects take too long to repeat, except 'may cause death'.

Literature: Archie, Captain Marvel, and Nancy Drew will become literature.  But maybe Kipling, Conrad and Twain will return to our consciousness of good writing without spelling mistakes. And if you were wondering if literature and flatulence could ever belong in the same writing, go here and read about my Uncle Bertram,   The Bertameister   Its reely gud.
Oswald Rabbit will finally be forgotten but we'll always remember Felix.

Transport: Cars will be different. Why, already they are starting with innovation for modern times. I was in a new one the other day and it had a fart bag! Really. Imagine that, to spare your passengers the odorifious mixture of your morning porridge and prunes. There was a little switch on the dash. It said, Pass Air Bag. How clever of them. I wonder how many bags come with the vehicle that you can pass air into? Don't ask me how it stays in there. Maybe cars will run on methane in the future? Having your own fuel station will be having your own cow. And cows have two stomachs so you'll never be without gas.

Sex: Ah yes, you were scrolling ahead for this one weren't you? Well, you know how many older men have stents in their hearts don't you? To keep the aorta open with healthy blood flow. These are implanted with a balloon as in angioplasty. Ok, you're getting ahead of me aren't you, thinking what a grand idea!
Well yes, the stent in your heart is a mesh metal tube, that when opened, locks open! Now you're going there. Yep, no more need for the little blue pill and a hopeful interlude. You'll for sure want to join that ladies yoga class, (Not Yoda, yoga this time) to show off your metal erection that will probably last 20 years! I think they'll solve the rust problem soon.
 

Joan Rivers in 2035

And you ladies will benefit too. Joan Rivers being a shiny example of what can be done with plaster of Paris, paper maché and flesh colored latex. And a team of Botox doctors on retainer.
Inflation may become a medical procedure. 

Entertainment: New shows on TV will be like, So You Think You Can Stand, Dancing with the Scars,  American Idle and Are You Smarter Than a Senile 92 year old? Hosted by a guy named Al Zymers. A reality show might be, Watch Henry Eat, with a spin-off being, Finding Henry's Teeth. Try to guess what Walker, Texas Ranger will be about? Chuck Norris in a series of crosswalk adventures? You're in trouble if you honk at him? But he won't kick ass for fear of forcing a shart with his boot.
Opie will play the Andy Griffith role in Mayberry.
Old shows still spinning will be Wheelchair of Fortune with Vanna White sitting at the edge of the stage saying, "Oh hell, they light by themselves," and sipping her fifth martini while moving her vowels. One of the sponsors will be the new Pat Sajak Fluffy Hairpiece, now in black.

Sports: Baseball could feature Ted Williams thawing! And a no hitter will be just that. Even with T-ball. In the NHL it might be impossible to differentiate concussions from senility. The skating warmup will stop because too many napped on the bench after it. In the NFL a Hail Mary will become an 8 yard pass.  NBA will switch to hula hoops. Soccer will make a shameful exit because 2 whole teams faked injuries at the same time. There will be a chess scandal because Bobby Fischer played two moves when Anatoly Karpov fell asleep. Ping might be popular. No Pong because no one ever hits it back.

Movies: Batman 83 won't only be the version edition but his age too! He'll be arguing with Robin over who has to remove the guano from the Batmobile. Titanic will be remade again, this time with those Avatar people fighting off the Nazi stealth icebergs. Everyone will be blue with cold and the sponsor will be Florida Snow Bird Estates.
The Vampire craze will be over because every American who has a gun, (that's all of them) will have at least one silver bullet in his chamber. And the stars of Jackass will only be racing rocking chairs on the edge of a 3 step porch. The Cocoon remake will star Don Ameche's hologram.

Politics: The president of the United States will be a Chinese little person lesbian TG Buddhist Munster born in Mundovia who will start a war with Texas. She will have won the presidency because no American could find Mundovia on a US map to dispute her birthplace. Gipper Bush the 14th will win the war after starving out the rest of America from Canadian oil and assume the presidency after a vote that includes only white males with 'murican names, marksmanship credentials and a Stepford wife.
In Canada the government will have changed thirty-three times but no one remembers and it didn't matter anyway.

Yes, our lives will change for sure. Having Grey Power will finally set everything right.  Evolvement will stop.  Involvement may stop.  Volvos will go forever. The world will keep revolving, but a little slower and we'll have what we want, whether the children like it or not.
Already, the number of people in the world 65 plus is increasing at an average of 870,000 each month. Our ranks are swelling along with our gout toes and prostates.

Happy birthday Gramps, have some mush cake and Kaopectate or you can't go into the hot tub again.


Be careful if you make fun of us, Grey Power has arrived!
Now get outa here before I take off all my clothes and do my Grandfather Clock impression.

Would you like gum or gin?

Um  ...... Can you still chew gum?

 

The Victoria Parliament Buildings at midnight. A meeting in the janitor's closet between two men ... both are wearing grey fedoras and black trenchcoats, with Groucho Marx glasses and fake mustaches. They are whispering ....

BC Ferries guy - We need a price increase of about four percent to cover our next years bonuses and payouts to executives  for great service to the people.
BC Liberal guy - Listen, we always gotta consider the backlash to fare increases. Uh, lose the cigar, would you?
BC Ferries guy - Backlash?  That was only because David was making a million a year and the ridership didn't like it. 
BC Liberal guy - David?  
BC Ferries guy - David Hahn.The last CEO of BC Ferries.
(BC Liberal guy slits open the door and peaks out. No sound from the eerie marble hallway) 
BC Liberal guy - Oh yeah. The guy who was in charge when that ferry sank.
BC Ferries guy - Um, we don't talk about that one, okay?
BC Liberal guy - Well, he took the spotlight away from Gordo's salary and pensions.
BC Ferries guy - Gordo who?

BC Liberal guy - Gordon Campbell, the ex Premier who we hid in England.
BC Ferries guy - Oh, yeah, I heard about that. The Gordon's gin guy. We toast him with tumblers. What about our fare increase?
BC Liberal guy - No prob. What 'll we say you need it for? Gas? 
BC Ferries guy - Well diesel, that's what we use. The boats were made in Germany you know, not BC.  Easier to disseminate the money off shore ... if you know what I mean.  (it is so black neither sees the other's wink)

BC Liberal guy - Okay, sure, okay. (pause) Well,  this is how it works here in BC. You come out publicly and ask for, say a 15% increase, we'll have Christy step in and say she's looking after families and only give you like, 4.8%.

BC Ferries guy - What's the .8 percent for?
BC Liberal guy - You'll be in charge of the money, right?
(Silence in the blackness)

BC Liberal guy - Win win for all of us.
BC Ferries guy - Lose lose for ferry riders though. (snicker) Say, who's this Christy anyways?
BC Liberal guy - New boss lady, Christy Campbell, er, I mean Clark. Oops, Freudian slip .... (a tremble in his voice) Sheez, I could get sent to East Vancouver for that.

BC Ferries guy - Oh yeah, I remember, Clark is the BC Rail woman.
BC Liberal guy - Shhh. We don't talk about that one and we don't remember stuff either. (he worriedly puts his ear to the slit and listens carefully) Psst! If anyone comes just grab a broom and start sweeping.
BC Ferries guy - You'll get this through before any elections or anything though, right?
BC Liberal guy - Done. Even before the secret RCMP contract. Say, you haven't seen BC Hydro guy, have you?

BC Ferries guy - I think I saw him in the gardener's tool shed siphoning gas out of a lawn mower. Hey, wanna grab a burger? I know an underground MacDonald's that stays open after midnight.
BC Liberal guy - Sheez, here in Victoria? Does everyone do illegal stuff now? Okay, but let's leave one at a time.
BC Ferries guy -You couldn't go as Harpo, could you?


Since 2003, when the Crown corporation was quasi privatized, BC Ferries' fares have gone up by about 70 per cent on the major routes between Vancouver Island and the Lower Mainland and by 80 per cent on the minor routes, according to a chart on the ferry commissioner's own website.
As the ridership declines, BC Ferries considers charging more from the few remaining passengers. These are the elite brainy people who run British Columbia for huge salaries. 

IIn Garden Grove, California, a wife (allegedly) fed her husband drugged food, tied him naked to a bed, cut off his penis and threw it into the garbage disposal! My gawd, haven't they heard of a safe word? Everyone involved in kink knows that. The police found him bleeding profusely, still tied. And most likely crying.
This woman had a powerful hate on for her estranged husband. And kitchen knives are usually dull. Go look at your butter knife!

At least Lorena Bobbitt just tossed it out the car window. In that case the police went searching along Lorena's route and found it, lying there all innocent and meek having been nearly run over by a cement truck, crows on the overhead wires looking down. They asked one lady if she had seen a penis and she said yes, she had, her uncle's in the shower when she was nine.
They reattached the Bobbitt one.

In this case they didn't say whether a plumber was called to open the sink trap. But they might not have been able to distinguish the remains from the rutabaga she had peeled earlier.
They allege Catherine Kieu Becker drugged the meal and served it to her estranged husband shortly before the attack.
The 51-year-old man felt sick, went to lie down and lost consciousness. The victim's arms and legs were tied to the bed with rope, (not silk rope either)  his clothes removed and he was attacked with the kitchen knife as he awoke. All that holding and sawing, of course he awoke! They said he was conscious when his penis was removed. Like really. Would he doze off?
It was tossed into the running garbage disposal. No thoughts whatsoever of the recycle bin.

You men stop shuddering like that! And you women stop chuckling! It used to be the wife took us for the house, the car and the children, but this? I now cringe when my wife throws a rotton old banana into the disposal.

Ms Becker may be charged with - aggravated mayhem, false imprisonment, assault with a deadly weapon, administering a drug with intent to commit a felony, poisoning and spousal abuse. Bail was set at $1 million. Is that all?
When contacted the victim only said. "This is a private matter." 
Well it is not private at all, there is now post-traumatic-stress among husbands everywhere thinking of their own treasured privates!
My wife just made cookies. Chocolate chip, my favorite, good stuff, but now I have to call her into the room, have her stand there in front of me and look into her eyes as I eat one! Watching for any sign of deceit or subterfuge ...... or sparkle. I thought of getting a witness but then I'd have to share the cookies.
Our relationship is strained at the moment because she caught me switching dinner plates. I have PTSD already.

Lorena Bobbitt claimed years of sexual abuse drove her to the attack, and she was acquitted by reason of insanity. Who knows what defense Catherine Kieu Becker's lawyers will choose, the Extrapolated Penis Envy defense? Kink gone Krazy defense? Weiner Rage defense? Not sure but we need to keep this quiet. No sense giving women ideas. You have no idea how many females grinned with empathy for Lorena Bobbitt.

But starting right now I will only eat my wife's cookies in a crowded public place with my phone on speed dial to an ambulance.

Private matter indeed.

from Tuesday, December 09, 2008

Today in History ... December 9

Well, another example of dual criminality surfaces. (the 'Whitney Houston' law.)
It seems the authorities in LA aren't going to lay felony charges against Paris Hilton, the hotel heiress cum porn star. They quoted a lack of evidence in the case. 
Hmmm .... even though the incident was caught on tape of Paris stealing the video of her own sexual performance which was on sale at a newsstand, while all the time hurling insults at the newsvendor. Perhaps that tape will make the internet too.
I guess the DA wanted a hotel rate on his next vacation. One can hardly imagine the skinny little airhead as a porn star anyway. Wonder if she'll have a red-light room in all Hilton hotels when she takes over the chain? Maybe a mistress room at the Paris Hilton? Could be a money-maker if they make Ron Jeremy the hall porter. Ah, it's a simple life, isn't it?
Don't they charge 50 cents per toilet flush in Hilton hotels?


[always wear seat belts while driving in convertibles. always wear a condom if Paris has been in the car]

WARNING: doing a Google Images search for 'paris hilton sex tape'  may bring up pictures of Rick Soloman, who now looks scared after having sex with her, President Bush who seems to be saluting her, and a police officer pointing a flashlight into your window and asking how much you've had to drink tonight.

Do I see Leona Hemsley in here somewhere?

[[[ apology to Paris - she handled the John McCain issue with humour and style - making fun of herself while chiding that 'wrinkly old white-haired Dude'  - score ---  Paris - 1  McCain - 0 ]]]

Big Head syndrome

I went to buy some chicken the other day. The last time we bought chicken breasts they were huge. Sort of like the size of a dachshund if you cut it longwise into four. The chicken in the display case was like that. The butcher must use special platters for it. I was expecting to see a little wiry tail tucked under it.
I think it's the hormones they put into our food nowadays. They inject the cattle. Plump up the pigs with genetically engineered meal. Feed chemicals to the chickens. All to make them grow bigger. Bigger is better. Wherever these chickens are kept, I pity the fox who wanders into the hen house!
I think this is an American thing. They need big meals. MacDonalds' megga pounders. Wendy's Wonderbigburger. You go south in the USA and you get huge portions in the restaurants.
I met three young boys from Southern California recently. They all had really big heads. My friend was in Florida a while ago. The young boys there were all 200 lbs at 14 years old .... and they all had really big heads! It is noticeable. They were  Gary Larson people, from the Far Side, caricatures of themselves.
It's the hormones combined with Nature. We eat food now that is so much bigger and Nature is making us evolve into larger human beings. I'm afraid, knowing what happened to the dinosaurs. And this overgrowth has been going on for decades now. Those growth hormones are going into us via the chickens.
I think I might become a Vegan.
I don't want 'RBHS' - Really Big Head Syndrome.

..... pass that basketball sized head of lettuce.

By now everyone in the world has seen  Gary Belsma, but here he is once more